Marriage: Become Friends with Your Partner

Research shows that marital conflicts that start out positively generally end positively. The issue typically gets resolved — or at least doesn't damage the relationship.

The same research shows that conflicts that start out negatively, generally get more and more negative — fights and arguments — and generally the issue doesn't get resolved.

Worse yet, the research shows that conflicts that start negatively are the leading indicator to relationships that end in divorce — possibly because issues don't get resolved; the bad feelings build up and the relationship turns miserable.

The good news, is that conflicts that begin positively are likely to end with the issue resolved, and that builds another positive bond between the partners.

So, the reason to be friends with your spouse is: you need to be friends to be able to settle conflicts positively, and make your marriage happier and happier over time.

Why is it so difficult to be friends with your partner?

Here is a short review of why it isn't just an automatic thing to be friends with your spouse.

From childhood boys are friends with boys, and girls are friends with girls. Prior to puberty boys and girls don't want to have much to do with each other. Boys and girls don't respect gender differences. Boys laugh at girls doing “girlish” things, and girls laugh at boys doing “stupid boy” things.

Then comes puberty and boys and girls get more interested in each other. Girls talk with their girl friends about boys, and boys talk to their friends about girls. Boys are friends and girls are friends, but typically, a boy and a girl together are different.

Today's young people do a better job than prior generations of making friends with both boys and girls, so maybe it will be easier for them to feel comfortable being friends with their partner when they marry. But, a lot of couples, in many cultures, have little experience with cross-gender friendships.

The point here, is that men and women are markedly different. They want and need different things from their friends, and they may have little experience being friends with each other.

Men find it easy to be friends with men. They share experiences unique to men. They have many shared beliefs, judgments, expectations and assessments about women. They know “guy” stuff. When a guy complains, he's usually looking for solutions.

Women find it easy to be friends with women. They share experiences unique to women. They have many shared beliefs, judgments, expectations, and assessments about men. They know “women” stuff. When a woman complains, she usually just wants to be listened to.

What's is it Like to Become Friends With Your Partner?

John and Julie Gottman (and others), who research marriage and relationships say that the key to a great marriage is a great friendship. Friends like being together. You're friends when your partner wants to be with you. How satisfying do you make it for your partner to spend time with you? You need to become friends with your partner. Think a moment about you and your best friend, and how you are together. Do you listen to one another? Do you pay attention to what your friend says? Do you have a sense of what your friend is feeling? Does your friend listen, pay attention, and have a sense of what you are feeling and thinking? That's what friends do for each other.

When your best friend screws up, do you blame or criticize? No, you empathize. When you're not getting what you want from your friend, do you whine and complain? Not if you want to keep your friend. Now, think about how you are with your partner. Do you treat your partner the way you would treat your friend? Why not? Most people say things like, “I wouldn't be happy if my partner wasn't more than a friend. I married my lover." Or, “You don't have sex with your friend. A lover is different than a friend.”

Of course, your marital partner is different from your friend. But, there's no reason you can't also be friends with your partner. And, you'll spend a whole lot more time being with your partner than you ever will with any friend. So, you want to become friends as well as lovers.

You give your friend respect and admiration. If you didn't, you wouldn't have that friend. That's the least that friends do for each other. We're talking about how marriages go sour, and the number one reason is: you've stopped being friends with your lover (or you never were friends). If that fits you, then decide to make friends with your partner.

Men: To Become Friends With Your Wife, What Do You Need To Know About Women?

You need to know that women are different, and it's okay to be different. Those differences aren't wrong. They're just differences. You need to know that you may be with your wife for maybe 80 years, and you will never, ever, understand her.

Be interested in your wife. Ask questions. Lots of questions. Be curious. Listen to what she says. Learn how she thinks. Discover how she feels. Notice the differences between you. Respect those differences. Your marriage needs those differences. Someone in every marriage need to think, act, and feel the way she does. Here are some useful rules:

1. Always let her influence any important choice you make.

2. When she needs to complain, listen, nod, and don't offer suggestions.

3. Never ridicule, mock, or disrespect her because she is a woman (or, any other woman just for being a woman).

4. Use every opportunity to show that you respect and admire her.

5. Keep your ratio of positives to negatives higher than 5 to 1.

6. Tell her frequently how much you appreciate what she brings to your Marriage

Women: To Become Friends With Your Husband, What You Need To Know About Men?

You know that men are different, but you need to learn that those differences must be respected and appreciated. He's not wrong because he's a guy. He's just different.

Because men seem less complex than women, you may think you understand him. That's an illusion. Get used to the idea that you will never understand him. Accept that. For example, after men get through their day's activities — whether work, or chores, or play — they generally need time to decompress. In cave man days, they would simply stare into the fire. Today, they'll hide behind a newspaper or TV.

They don't need lots of questions or attention. It has nothing to do with you. It's a “guy” thing. He'll be available when he's finished. (Just accept that you may never understand this behavior.) Here are some useful rules:

1. If you're feeling mad, bad, or sad, it's okay to complain, but never criticize.

2. When he's complaining, he may be open to suggestions.

3. Never ridicule, mock or disrespect him just because he's a man (or, any other man just for being a man).

4. Pay little attention to his faults and flaws. Pay lots of attention to his strengths.

5. Keep your ratio of positives to negatives higher than 5 to 1.

6. Tell him frequently that you appreciate what he brings to the marriage

What's the Payoff For Working To Become Friends?

When you become friends, you get a whole reservoir of good and loving feelings about your partner. Then, when conflicts occur you each start with positive feelings, and your conflict discussions are unlikely to damage the relationship.

It's time to mention that an estimated 70% of your conflict issues may never be resolved. So, both of you need to learn how to figure our which issues those are, and learn how to laugh about them, rather than fight about them. If you and your partner have many conflict issues that will never be resolved, and will be with you throughout your relationship … it is very smart to become friends.

Friends can laugh together about their differences. Friends give each other space to be different. Couples who make an effort to become friends generally find themselves lifelong friends. You'll both be richer for always being with your friend.