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What are positive relationship signs? Those are the signs that show you (and
anybody who pays attention to your interactions with your partner), that
your relationship is healthy and positive.
Positive relationship signs are those words, attitudes, gestures, facial
expressions, and body language that a married couple give to each other.
To have a happy marriage that lasts, you each need to give each other 5
positives for every negative. Researchers would call this a positivity ratio of
5 to 1 or more.
You Need A Positivity Ratio of 5 to 1 or Higher
When you talk about positive relationship signs, you have to think of Drs.
John and Julie Gottman at the Gottman Institute.
Those folks at the Gottman Institute in Seattle are amazing. They bring
couples into an apartment like a “love lab,” and study them by taping,
watching, and listening to every gesture.
They have codes for every little thing that happens between the couple. They
can predict with over 90% accuracy whether the marriage will end in divorce
… or not.
One of the exercises is to ask the couple to discuss a conflict issue for 15
minutes. Amazingly, within the first three minutes the researchers can tell
how the discussion will end, and whether it will strengthen or damage the
relationship.
They did this with a group of newlyweds, and then followed those couples
over 6 years and verified their predictions. Over 90% accurate! They're
making a science out of relationships.
We use the word positivity to mean keeping the exchanges between you and
your partner 5 times more positive than negative. That's right. If you
express positive feelings toward your partner 5 times as often as negative
feelings, you'll have a positive ratio of 5 to 1. That's positivity.
Positivity is so important, that if you keep your ratio at 5 to 1 or more, your
marriage is almost divorce proof. A positivity ratio of 5 to 1 is one of the
keys to a marriage that gets happier and happier throughout your marriage.
If both partners have a positivity ratio of 5 to 1, you've got a sure thing. But,
if one can keep his or her positivity ratio above 5 to 1, the positivity draws
the other partner into positivity too. It's very hard to be negative toward
someone who is being positive toward you.
Every positive expression isn't equal, and neither is every negative. So, we'll
show you the different codes that researchers at Gottman use. First, we'll list
the positives … because that's what we want to focus on.
Positive Relationship Signs
Positive relationship signs even include signs that are Neutral ... something
like an 'uh-huh' is still a little positive. It's worth 1/10th of a point (.1)
An expression of interest, like “really” or “tell me more” is +2.
Validation, such as “you're right about that” is +4.
Affection, from an “I love you” to calling your partner “sweetheart” is a +4.
Humor is good for +4 and surprise or joy like, “Wow, that's great” is good
for +4
Positive Point Values:
Neutral +.1
Interest +2
Validation +4
Affection +4
Humor +4
Surprise/joy +4
Here are some Not-So Positive Relationship Signs
Here are the minuses ... or negatives. Each of these is worth -1.
If you express anger toward your partner, you'd have to give 5 points worth
of positives to stay above 5 to 1.
So if you whine, or are domineering, or sad, you'd have to express affection
and interest totaling +6 to stay positive.
The Minus 1's
Anger
Domineering
Whining
Sadness
Moderately Negative Relationship Signs
Here are the Minus-2's. Stonewalling, which is withdrawing and ignoring
what your partner is saying, is a minus-2, and so are Defensiveness,
Criticism and Belligerence.
If you go picking a fight, or criticize, 'BOOM' that's -2, and to keep your ratio
positive, you'd have to make up 10 points of validation, affection, interest,
or humor.
Minus-2s
Stonewalling
Defensiveness
Criticism
Belligerence
Really Really Negative Relationship Signs
We call the minus 2's 3's and 4's “land mines,” because they are so
damaging that they quickly fortell the death of the marriage.
Showing disgust toward your partner is a -3 and you'd have to express 15
points of positives to make up for that.
Worse, and for some, even more difficult to forgive, is displaying contempt
at -4.
It takes 20 points of positives to make up for one contemptuous remark or
dismissive body language.
“Land Mines”
Disgust: -3
Contempt: -4
What if You've Shared Some Not-so Positive Relationship
Signs?
What's important about these positive and negatives is the ratio. Some
couples, whom Gottman describes as “volatile” actually may use lots of
negatives, but they also are generous with their positives … so they keep
their ratio above 5 to 1.
You can get away with a few land mines if you are terrific at expressing
affection, laugh a lot, and leave no doubt that under the negatives is a
strong base of love.
Ways To Build The Positivity Ratio
Two of the most powerful positive relationship signs are fondness and
admiration.
We call this the appreciables list. Just for fun you may want to make a list of
all the things that you appreciate about your partner, your relationship, your
intimacy, your touching, your affection, and your partners respect,
admiration, and caring for you.
If you could make a point of expressing one thing you appreciate, respect, or
admire about your partner, every day, you'd build up so much positivity that
you're sure to succeed in your relationship.
Wow. One "appreciable" a day. What's so hard about that?
An appreciable a day:
“Today I was thinking how much I appreciate______about you."
“Today I couldn't help think how much I admire you for the way
you_____________."
“Today, I was remembering how sexy you were when__________________."
Just one of those could be worth 80 points when you add the whole
conversation up. That would give you a little leeway to be human and get
angry, or grumpy sometimes.
Some more positive relationship signs are admiration, appreciation, and
fondness. These builds huge globs of positivity.
Touches, kisses, and little touches of affection all build positivity quickly.
More positive relationship signs
Admiration
Appreciation
Fondness
Turn Toward Your Partner
Other positive relationship signs that build positivity is what Gottman calls
“turning toward” instead of “turning away."
Turning toward means being interested in your partner. This isn't the big “I
love you thing.” This is saying, “Really” when your partner says something.
Or, “Tell me about that” or even “Huh."
If you say something and your partner makes no response — even to
register that you spoke — you get the feeling that you could be in the
company of a house plant.
Turning Toward not Turning away
“Really?”
“Tell me about it”
or even “Uh-huh.”
Do not be like a house plant
You add to your positivity by being interested or curious about what your
partner thinks, feels, or has opinions about anything. “What do you think
about that?” could start a conversation, or extend one.
So could "How do you feel about that?" Or "What's your opinion?"
Summary of Positive Relationship Signs
Positivity at a ratio of 5 to 1 or more is a key factor in whether your
relationship will last. It is really, really important. It can get you through the
most challenging difficulties. And, it makes your married life so much more
pleasant than negativity.
We've discussed several ways in which you can increase your positivity, and
it will also increase your partner's, as well.
We talked about building a list of appreciables that you can use to think
about daily, and to express to your partner as often as possible. Things you
admire, appreciate, and care for in your partner.
Finally, you've learned that it's important to listen, respond, show interest,
and affirm what your partner is saying.
I hope it's clear to you now why it is so important that you and your partner
become friends. Friends give each other many more positive relationship
signs.
To continue with the next article in the series Happy Marriage Recipe:
Reduce Anger in a Relationship. | 
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