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Anger in a relationship stems most frequently from irresolvable issues.
Issues that can be resolved seldom create nearly as much anger in a
relationship.
Sally was a neat-nick. Her motto was "a place for everything and everything
in it's place."
Walter wasn't a slob, but he was comfortable with things being a little
messy.
When they married, Sally began nagging Walter to "Pick up after yourself."
But, Walter often didn't pick up after himself. So Sally picked up after
Walter.
They didn't realize it, but they were dealing with an irresolvable issue. Sally
was a little overboard about neatness, and she expected Walter to be the
same. He wasn't. Walter began to be irritated by what he called "Sally's
compulsive behavior." He vowed never to be "obsessed with neatness," like
he thought Sally was.
Sally started to get really angry at Walter every time she had to pick up his
glass, or put a CD back in it's sleeve. She thought "He's doing this on
purpose," and "He expects me to pick up after him. I'm his wife, not his
mother."
So, Sally was accumulating a lot of anger; she frequently snapped at Walter
for no reason that Walter could see. So, Walter began to get angry at Sally
because of her snappishness, and because she stilnagged and criticized him
for being "a slob."
When Sally and Walter learned about irresolvable issues, they finally
realized they had been dealing with one.
Sally practiced better ways of dealing with Walter's messiness, and began
handling those situations with humor and grace. The laughing brought them
closer together, and Walter even got a little less messy.
Stop wasting your breath ... and hurting your marriage
The maritaresearchers at the Gottman Institute in Seattle studied hundreds
of newlywed couples for up to six years. The discovered that about 70% of
the conflict issues that couples had when they were newlyweds, remained 6
years later. In other words, most of the things couples fight about don't get
resolved.
Here's what this means to you … and your marriage. If you have the same
fights over and over, you are wasting your breath. And, you're hurting your
marriage. You're fighting an endless fight. We calit a circle dance.
We say that 80% of the problems in your marriage come from 20% of the
issues. If you end the circle dance, 80% of your problems wildisappear.
But, you can't end it untiyou identify the issues. Failing to identify your
circle dance issues wil, without fai, lead to an increased amount of anger in
a relationship.
Identify unchangeable differences ... and accept them
With Patty and Steve, the circle dance was about money: how much to spend
and how much to save. With Eric and Millie it was about how to discipline the
kids. With Dave and Sandra, it was about his drinking. With Mike and Taisha,
it was about her wanting to stop working and be a stay-at-home mom.
With you and anybody, there wilbe irresolvable issues. Maybe you could
figure it out in advance, but sometimes they just appear after the wedding.
So, if you've got a circle dance with your present partner, don't even
imagine that it would be better with someone else. It may be different, but
researchers telus that any two people wilhave maritaissues that cannot
and wilnot be resolved.
So, if you can't resolve it, and want to minimize anger in a relationship,
what do you do?
Obvious irresolvable issues
You'lminimize anger in a relationship if you spot the obvious irresolvable
issues before you marry. If you don't think you could ever accept an issue,
don't get married. If, however, you know the issue faces you — and you
choose to marry in spite of it — then the only reasonable solution is to
accept it, and treat it with humor and grace.
One of you wilbe
neater than the other
more carefuwith money than the other
less ambitious than the other
more concerned with status than the other
smarter than the other
more open to new things and new experiences than the other
closer to their family than the other.
The important thing to notice is that you're not necessarily "right" about how
you are.
And, your partner is not necessarily "wrong" about the way he or she is.
You are simply different. And, different is actually a good thing, because it
can keep each partner from going overboard on that thing.
Mary married Steve partly because he was good with money and she knew
she wasn't. She thought he'd be good for her.
Sam married Angie partly because she was an extrovert and had tons of
friends. Sam was an introvert with few friends.
We can alsee what issues wilarise for them that could produce anger in a
relationship.
Steve could "go crazy" when he sees how Mary wastes money. Or, he could
accept it and treat it with humor and grace. "I hold her hand because when I
let go, she shops."
Angie could "go crazy" when Sam seldom wants to go out with friends,
preferring a quite night at home. Or, Angie could accept the way Sam is with
humor and grace, enjoying her friends without requiring Sam to be different
than he is.
Irresolvable issues that come up later in the marriage
Some issues can't be spotted ahead of the marriage. Here are some
examples:
One of you will be:
more lenient in disciplining the children than the other
more willing to invite an aged and ailing parent to move in with you
more willing to move out of state when the other one gets a
promotion.
It doesn't matter when the irresolvable issue shows up. Your partner wasn't
hiding their position on the issue from you. You weren't hiding your position
from your partner. Don't get ensnared by imagining motives that were never
there.
So, these issues are irresolvable. What do you do to minimize anger in a
relationship?
Breathe deeply, wish it weren't so, then appreciate something about your
partner.
To minimize anger in a relationship
We suggest that you simply accept that you and your lover have an issue
that cannot and wilnot be resolved. Here are some helpfutips:
1. Agree to disagree.
Clear the air with your partner. Explain that you now realize that the two of
you have one of those circle dances going and that it is harmfufor your
marriage to fight endlessly about something that won't change. Make it clear
that neither of you is to blame (or that there is some blame on both parts).
If your partner won't agree, and you want to break up your circle dances by
yourself, simply stop doing what you do when your partner does what your
partner does.
Dances can't continue with just one dancer. One way to do it is to say
something like, “I love you, and I'd feesafer if we don't have the same fight
over and over again. Let's talk about something else.”
2. Decide to accept some or alof your partner's position on your
conflict issue.
Do this out of love and respect for your partner.
Decide to lighten up on your position on the conflict issue. No matter how
important it has always seemed to be, it isn't as important as your maritahappiness.
This wilbe hard for you, because you've got such a big stake in your
position, and you probably think your partner's position is indefensible. But,
the issue isn't more important than your marriage, and your position may
not be as rock solid as it has always seemed to you.
3. Learn to laugh at yourself or the situation.
Many lucky couples celebrate long and successfumarriages, by learning to
laugh at the situation and themselves whenever their conflict issue pops up.
Laugh at yourself (never at your partner): "Don't worry; in another ten years
I'lhave it down pat."
Handling ticklish issues with grace and humor wilbring you closer together,
rather than continuing hurtfuand damaging fights that lead to anger in a
relationship.
4. Practice a quick repair or deflection.
Create and practice a quick repair if you slip and criticize your partner about
an irresolvable issue.
A repair for when you mess up, might be, “Oops, There I go again,” or
“Sorry, I know you hate it when I do that.”
Practice a quick deflection you can use when your partner slips and is criticaof you about an irresolvable issue.
When your partner errs, you might say: "Let's start over. That sounds like
one of our irresolvables," or "Can we talk about something else?"
So, breathe deeply, wish that it weren't so, and then decide not to fight
about it again. | 
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