The Happy Marriage Recipe

The happy marriage recipe almost sounds too easy. There are four steps.

1. Make Friends With Your Partner

The idea is to be respectful toward your partner, and make friends with your partner. You may have started out as lovers, and not necessarily friends. Some people would argue that you are spouses, not friends.

2. Next, Maintain a Positivity Ratio of 5 to 1

The happy marriage recipe calls for 5 times as many positive messages as negative ones. This means that in all the little interactions with your partner, you give at least 5 positive messages for each negative message. And, the messages need to be the same weight. We'll show you the weights, and how the experts keep score. For example, you'll discover that you need to give your partner at least 5 messages of validation or affection, to make up for one message of contempt.

3. Next, Handle Irresolvable Issues with Grace and Humor

Estimates vary, but experts believe that between 70% and 90% of the fights that married couples have, are about issues that are irresolvable — issues that are never going to change. Fighting won't help anything. To do this, first, couples need to identify the issues that are irresolvable. Then, they agree to never, ever fight about any of those issues. That takes care of the damage that constant unproductive fighting does. To turn a bad thing into a good thing, the couple will grow to treat the issue — when it arises — with humor and grace. Humor and demonstrating respect and grace, are all positive messages. So, a fight you avoided turns instead into messages that add to your love bundle.

4. Begin and End Issue discussions on a Positive Note

"A positive note" means a positive, respectful manner. If you aren't in that mood, defer your 'issue' discussion until you are. Prepare and practice loving, respectful ways to begin and end any marital issue discussions. This will make them positive experiences, even if the discussion produces some compromise on what you wanted, or what was wanted of you.