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My heart was broken. I was in great distress. It was late spring, the most beautiful time of the year, and I had been jolted violently out of my blissful reverie. The man that I loved passionately and whole-heartedly had decided he couldn't be in relationship with me any more - it was too difficult, too painful, like many relationships these days - and he would not negotiate or even discuss the matter. We had only moved in together 8 months ago, and I loved the house we were renting more than any other house I'd ever lived in. I felt as if I'd finally found my home, and now it was being taken away from me. I felt powerless in the face of all my loss. There was nothing to do but surrender.
As is often the case when we trust, I had already been provided with some of what I needed to get through this difficult time. I had started reading Eckhart Tolle's new book, A New Earth, and had just opened to the teachings of Abraham, watching Esther Hicks in action on youtube.com. So my first intention was to welcome this situation, however painful, as an opportunity to grow, to learn, and ultimately to be transformed. As Eckhart says, any situation that involves great loss of something we are strongly identified with is an opportunity to move beyond ego into the spacious presence of Being.
Goodness knows I was attached to this relationship. I had found identity in being the woman of this house, and the 'wife' of this man. As I moved into the space around the content of my life, guided by Eckhart, I began to notice just how identified with this life I had become, and how I had lost much of my freedom in that identification. Now that this life was being taken away from me, beyond my control, I watched myself struggle, resist, surrender, grieve, struggle, resist, surrender. I allowed myself to be as I was in each moment - controlling, enraged, manipulative, hopeful, forgiving, joyful (yes, there were many joyful moments!), despairing, sad - and in doing so I found the space of absolute acceptance that Eckhart speaks of. It was from this space of acceptance that I began to imagine what I wanted to come next.
I lived on an old manor estate in the midst of the gentle rolling hills of South Devon, a few miles outside of a small town full of interesting alternative culture. For the first time ever, I felt as if I wanted to settle somewhere, having been a rolling stone for most of my life. The place we were living in was ideal for me, and a new dwelling was in the beginning stages of renovation. However, living there on my own would cost a lot more than the rent I'd been paying towards the house I was sharing with my partner. I began asking my boss for extra work, knowing that while I had an abundance of time, she had an abundance of financial security, and that perhaps the two of us could help meet each others' needs.
In the midst of my loss, I held this vision: I would come back to this beautiful country estate and live in the new dwelling, and I would take the bookings and do other administrative work for the retreat I work on. And I would make enough with this extra work to cover my rent every month.
Abraham suggests that we are already in the process of creating that which our heart desires. What we need to do is to let go of our desire to control events, in order to go with the flow of our life, even while we continue to hold our vision with clear intent. This is actually quite a tricky thing to do. It involves moving organically, fluidly between the space of creation, the pushing forward into new territories of consciousness - the yang stance - and the space of presence, the resting around form in the spaciousness that surrounds and infuses it all - the yin way of being. It involves surrendering our attachments to our desired outcome, so that we are free to play with form, while retaining the integrity of vision that our heart so dearly desires. It involves surrendering our attachments to the content of our lives as they are now in order to move into the next moment, and the next, trusting that every change is bringing us closer towards the realization of our dreams, no matter what may be lost in that process. It involves recognizing that life, and the creation of our lives is a process, and that this process may take us into territories both unknown and unimagined. It involves great trust.
So I held my vision in the midst of my pain, in the midst of my surrender, in the midst of my chaos. I moved out of the house I loved, left the man that I loved, and began to let go of that relationship in the separation. And in time, after some difficult transition, my vision came to fruition. I got the house and the job that I wanted. Yes, I doubted along the way, but I allowed myself those doubts. Yes, I was still hurting, still unsure, still a little lost, but I trusted in the benevolence of a creative universe. And here I sit, getting paid to write this article as part of my new role, in my beautiful new space. It is worth holding the vision, and surrendering what is in order to move into what is becoming. And even as I write this, I know that I must give up my attachment to all of this, so that life can move me into the next incarnation, closer to whatever it is that my heart truly desires. Because my dreams are getting bigger, and my faith in my ability to realize those dreams is what will bring them to fruition.
Learn more about creating the life you want on a Karuna Detox Retreat, the UK's first holistic Detox program. See http://www.karunadetox.com or phone 0800 112 3033 for details.
Heather Mullin is facilitator, administrator and lead bodyworker with Karuna Detox Retreats. She is passionate about health and well-being, joyful living, and creating reflective spaces for people to realize their potential.
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